He came to realise that the case against traditional parenting, was even worse, even more disturbing, because it turns out that rewards, such as praise-which is after all just a verbal doggy biscuit extended to kids to get them to do what we want-ends up communicating the idea that our affection for them, our love and our care, is conditional, that they have to jump through our hoops and that there are strings attached to our love. That the carrot and stick or bribe and threat approach with kids, and for that matter with students in school, and employees in the workplace, always backfires, that it's a way of doing things to people instead of working with them. I found re-listening to the conversation I had with Alfie back in 2021 super useful so thought I’d re-share it this week.īefore Alfie became a parent he had done some initial research that led to a couple of earlier books, including one called Punished by Rewards that found that rewards, like punishments, are not only ineffective, but also counterproductive. Unconditional Parenting is an absolute game changer when it comes to re-framing how to show up as a parent. S eriously, go right now, here’s the link. If you haven’t come across Alfie Kohn yet, stop reading this and check out his book Unconditional Parenting.
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